It seems like forever since I've written. Monday I went for bloodwork and then a call Monday evening regarding one of the drugs for my chemo cocktail. It's a fairly new and very agressive drug. Each dose of which I'll be taking one every two weeks costs about $4,000 per. Yes, you read it right. $4,000. My copay for that drug is 20%. Hahahahaha............ So, we started on Tuesday with two of the three drugs and only the two is an acceptable treatment according to my research on the web. So we started with just the two. But I want the third so that's yet to be worked out.
Let me tell you, when those chemicals went in, it felt like fumes rose from my chest and out my mouth and nose. But it only lasted for a few seconds. My dr laces the doses with lots of additional meds to stave off side effects. After the drip, a pump was attached to the port and filled with more chemo. I wore it home and then back on Wednesday for another 1 1/2 hour drip but different meds this time with different immediate effects that quickly dissipate. Refill the pump and back home. Back this morning to have the pump off and I feel free.
Side effects...........hardly any. My church family prayed on Sunday that I have no side effects and that prayer was honored. I took a little med for nausea twice yesterday strictly as precaution. My taste is weird and I want no morning coffee. I don't even want to smell coffee. Yesterday, I craved bread and butter and coca cola. Half a slice of bread with some sweet creamy butter smeared over it and a few sips of coke and I was a happy girl. This morning I wanted a cinnamon roll. I can't remember the last time I ate a cinnamon roll. I had to get up and go get one and ate the whole thing and then it sat like a rock in the bottom of my stomach. I know........those are not good foods for me but I guess at this point it's better than not eating at all. Dr says not to lose weight, eat regularly and take lots of vitamins. First time in my life I've had a concern about losing weight.
Back to the dilemma of the copay. I've applied for three grants for copay assistant. I have a cancer policy that will hopefully cover that fee but they want to pay in arrears so I imagine I'll be on the phone with them all day tomorrow. They squeaky wheel gets greased and I intend to do lots of squeaking.
I have noticed something about having a diagnosis of cancer and it may be the same with any other life threatening diagnosis, although I don't know for sure. What I have found is that I live in the present moment more than I ever have. It's not about looking back at woulda, shoulda, coulda and it's not about looking forward to what might be, good or bad. It is just about what is going on right now, whether it's brushing Chipper or thanking God every time I hear the pump send more chemicals in to kill those darned cells, or trying to figure out exactly what my taste will accept to eat, or blessing the other patients in the room with me undergoing the same treatments, some of them in such delicate states and some strong and hearty. It's about loving this rain, snuggling down for another healing nap and getting back into the studio now that the pump is off and I feel so good.
Taking that pump off is sort of like training a trotting horse. The trainers weigh down their front hoofs so that when they take the weights off, their front legs lift up so magically when they trot. The pump was weighing me down like that and now that it's off, I feel lighter and more energetic. Ooohhh, that's exciting. Twelve days of freedom and then back for another round. I'll be ready.
Heavenly Father,
Thank You so much for this gorgeous gray rainy day. I love the sound and the smell of the rain and I'm so grateful to be here to enjoy it. I thank You for the medical researchers that you guided to solutions for defeating this enemy.
I am asking special blessings for all of the other patients at my clinic that are undergoing treatment with me. Let the treatment be beyond success as Your healing spirit moves mightily among us maximizing the effectiveness of the treatments. Guide the hand of the oncologist to make the right decision of each one of us.
Father, I thank You for everything you do for me every day. It's truly all about You, Father. It's all about You.
In the name of Jesus Christ, the name above all names.
Amen
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Day 76 Two Days Reclaimed
I last wrote on Saturday about reclaiming my life. It was a great day and I finished up with a few hours of painting, working on some larger pieces I had already started. Standing with my right arm up for an extended time did irritate the port but that was the last of the "big" painting to do on these pieces so I'll finish them flat. Let me just say here that researchers should find a different spot for ports on women of a certain age who no longer have firm muscular chests. Just saying..........
Yesterday was back to Church for the first time since surgery and it was so wonderful to be back with that family of God's children. Afterward a quick trip to the store for a few items and then I did get more painting done. Yay!
The difference between the last two days and before? Well, for one thing I began to make a to do list which before all of this started I did on an almost daily basis. No, I didn't get everything on the list done but I did complete a lot more that I would have otherwise. Praise God. So, today another list to complete. First is a trip to Methodist for bloodwork to make sure my blood count is ready for chemo which I'm sure will be fine. This will be done before each treatment so I plan to research which foods will help me keep a healthy blood count and try to balance them with my antiangiogenesis and alkaline foods.
Tomorrow is my first chemo treatment and I admit I'm a little nervous about it. I know the port will be flushed and then treatment started...........slowly to see how I'm going to tolerate everything. I'm sure I'll be fine and it'll proceed with no problems but I do have some butterflies about this first one. I wish it was today so I can just get it over and done with.
Church yesterday was wonderful. Allan Frizell, Lefty's baby brother for old time country music lovers, was in concert and gave his testimony mostly through some amazing songs he's written since giving up the glitz and glamour of the big stage for a bigger stage with a little less glamour but a lot more glory. The service ended with a corporate prayer for healing for everyone there needing a healing. Pastor RO spoke on the importance of praying for others. I've written before that when I begin not to feel God's presence, I can get quiet and start to pray for others and He's immediately there with me. In the book of Job, after undergoing the most incredible losses, everything Job had lost was restored and more "when he prayed for his friends." I invite you to join me in prayer today for these people fighting cancer.
Precious Lord,
We come to You this morning with a special request for some special children of Yours. We are asking Your favor and healing spirit to move mightily in the lives of Susan who is undergoing surgery today for breast cancer and for Tracy who is also fighting breast cancer and having issues with her kidneys and for Anna who is also fighting breast cancer.
We ask Father that You show them what they can do to take an active and aggressive part in their own healing as You guide their doctors to do the best for them that modern medicine can do. If it is in Your will to heal them supernaturally, we give You all the praise, honor and glory for that.
Father, we are so honored to pray for these precious women and thank You for everything You do for them.
These things we pray in the name of Jesus Christ, the name above all names.
Amen
Yesterday was back to Church for the first time since surgery and it was so wonderful to be back with that family of God's children. Afterward a quick trip to the store for a few items and then I did get more painting done. Yay!
The difference between the last two days and before? Well, for one thing I began to make a to do list which before all of this started I did on an almost daily basis. No, I didn't get everything on the list done but I did complete a lot more that I would have otherwise. Praise God. So, today another list to complete. First is a trip to Methodist for bloodwork to make sure my blood count is ready for chemo which I'm sure will be fine. This will be done before each treatment so I plan to research which foods will help me keep a healthy blood count and try to balance them with my antiangiogenesis and alkaline foods.
Tomorrow is my first chemo treatment and I admit I'm a little nervous about it. I know the port will be flushed and then treatment started...........slowly to see how I'm going to tolerate everything. I'm sure I'll be fine and it'll proceed with no problems but I do have some butterflies about this first one. I wish it was today so I can just get it over and done with.
Church yesterday was wonderful. Allan Frizell, Lefty's baby brother for old time country music lovers, was in concert and gave his testimony mostly through some amazing songs he's written since giving up the glitz and glamour of the big stage for a bigger stage with a little less glamour but a lot more glory. The service ended with a corporate prayer for healing for everyone there needing a healing. Pastor RO spoke on the importance of praying for others. I've written before that when I begin not to feel God's presence, I can get quiet and start to pray for others and He's immediately there with me. In the book of Job, after undergoing the most incredible losses, everything Job had lost was restored and more "when he prayed for his friends." I invite you to join me in prayer today for these people fighting cancer.
Precious Lord,
We come to You this morning with a special request for some special children of Yours. We are asking Your favor and healing spirit to move mightily in the lives of Susan who is undergoing surgery today for breast cancer and for Tracy who is also fighting breast cancer and having issues with her kidneys and for Anna who is also fighting breast cancer.
We ask Father that You show them what they can do to take an active and aggressive part in their own healing as You guide their doctors to do the best for them that modern medicine can do. If it is in Your will to heal them supernaturally, we give You all the praise, honor and glory for that.
Father, we are so honored to pray for these precious women and thank You for everything You do for them.
These things we pray in the name of Jesus Christ, the name above all names.
Amen
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Day 74 An Important Lesson Learned
Cancer can steal your life in more ways than one.
Yesterday, I was on the couch.......again. I began to think back to a few weeks ago when in frustration I cried out, "I want my life back!" God is so good in the sometimes gentle way and sometimes not so gentle way that He teaches us that the answer is in our own hands. I realized that I have relinquished my life to cancer. No, I haven't given up. Certainly not. What I have done is let it dominate my life 24/7 to the point where I have begun to feel weak and ineffective. "Why aren't you painting?" my doctor asked. Huh? "Hello, have you forgotten that I have cancer?" "Really, what does that have to do with anything?" Ah, Dr. Mahmood cuts me no slack. Thank you Dr. Mahmood. If I can't stand in front of the easel with my arm up for very long at a time, I can certainly paint with the canvas flat on a table or I can watercolor or I can use my left hand and try a new technique. I know these things so why have I not done them? I don't have the answer to why but I do have a solution.
What God gave to me last night is that it is time to reclaim my life. No longer time to talk about what I'm going to do and then never get done but instead to relate only what I have done and accomplished throughout the day in spite of having cancer. So, now it's a little after 10am on Saturday morning. After a wonderful prayer and study time this morning I had my black coffee and Ezekiel Bread. Then I took Chipper for a much needed walk. Came back, straightened some around the house, checked emails, put some lima beans and collard greens on to cook and baked some sweet potato cubes to add to the collards. Just in case I don't feel well after the chemo next week, I want to have food ready in the fridge and freezer. After that, I was a little tired so I had a 15 minute liedown and then I fixed my cancer killing smoothie. That's a great restorative. And now I'm back up and ready to continue my day. Stay tuned.............
Precious Lord,
What would I do without You? I would be completely lost. My life would have no direction and I simply would not be able to go on.
Please forgive my giving some of my strength over to the enemy. Thank You for opening my eyes and saving me from an awful outcome that would have been of my own making.
Thank You for giving me the insight and words last night to recognize where I truly am on this journey and how to move ahead forcefully and successfully. As Isaiah said, I can look to the right or to the left but it is my ears that hear Your voice behind me saying, "This is the way, walk in it." Thank You Lord for showing me the way. I will walk in it.
Thank You for showing that way to everyone else out there fighting this enemy Lord, so they can move forward with the determination and accomplishments that You want for them.
In Jesus' precious name.
Amen
Yesterday, I was on the couch.......again. I began to think back to a few weeks ago when in frustration I cried out, "I want my life back!" God is so good in the sometimes gentle way and sometimes not so gentle way that He teaches us that the answer is in our own hands. I realized that I have relinquished my life to cancer. No, I haven't given up. Certainly not. What I have done is let it dominate my life 24/7 to the point where I have begun to feel weak and ineffective. "Why aren't you painting?" my doctor asked. Huh? "Hello, have you forgotten that I have cancer?" "Really, what does that have to do with anything?" Ah, Dr. Mahmood cuts me no slack. Thank you Dr. Mahmood. If I can't stand in front of the easel with my arm up for very long at a time, I can certainly paint with the canvas flat on a table or I can watercolor or I can use my left hand and try a new technique. I know these things so why have I not done them? I don't have the answer to why but I do have a solution.
What God gave to me last night is that it is time to reclaim my life. No longer time to talk about what I'm going to do and then never get done but instead to relate only what I have done and accomplished throughout the day in spite of having cancer. So, now it's a little after 10am on Saturday morning. After a wonderful prayer and study time this morning I had my black coffee and Ezekiel Bread. Then I took Chipper for a much needed walk. Came back, straightened some around the house, checked emails, put some lima beans and collard greens on to cook and baked some sweet potato cubes to add to the collards. Just in case I don't feel well after the chemo next week, I want to have food ready in the fridge and freezer. After that, I was a little tired so I had a 15 minute liedown and then I fixed my cancer killing smoothie. That's a great restorative. And now I'm back up and ready to continue my day. Stay tuned.............
Precious Lord,
What would I do without You? I would be completely lost. My life would have no direction and I simply would not be able to go on.
Please forgive my giving some of my strength over to the enemy. Thank You for opening my eyes and saving me from an awful outcome that would have been of my own making.
Thank You for giving me the insight and words last night to recognize where I truly am on this journey and how to move ahead forcefully and successfully. As Isaiah said, I can look to the right or to the left but it is my ears that hear Your voice behind me saying, "This is the way, walk in it." Thank You Lord for showing me the way. I will walk in it.
Thank You for showing that way to everyone else out there fighting this enemy Lord, so they can move forward with the determination and accomplishments that You want for them.
In Jesus' precious name.
Amen
Friday, July 6, 2012
Day 73 Countdown to this Being Over Has Begun
Bloodwork on Monday and first chemo on Tuesday. Yay! I'm so ready to get on with this program, I can't even describe it. Only about 10 weeks since diagnosis and I feel like I've been living with this forever. But I've made huge steps in those ten weeks and I'm so grateful. God is good and totally in control.
I met with Dr. Mahmood, my cancer surgeon, yesterday. Good checkup and he's very pleased with his handiwork. I don't have to go back for another month. Then I met today with Dr. Qurashi, the oncologist. My first chemo treatment is set for next Tuesday and then every two weeks for six months. We talked a little more about side effects. He said my hair may thin but I probably won't lose it with this chemo. I've got a cute picture of that trying to do a combover with a few strands of gray hair. The main side effect is going to be neuropathy or extreme sensitivity in the nerve endings of my fingers and feet. He said I will absolutely need to use something like oven mitts to reach into the refrigerator. Anything I touch or drink will have to be warmed. I already don't like to be cold so this should magnify that. Poor Chipper isn't too crazy about being warm so we may have to both go get our summer haircuts together. His to be cooler and mine not to have to look at thinning hair. Oh well, all worth it in the name of healing.
I slept better with the port last night. I even managed to sleep on my side for a while so that is probably going to be a non issue in a few more days. So glad about that. I am uncomfortable right now doing very much with my right hand and I stopped at the art supply store to pick up a disposable paper pallet so I don't have to work with cleaning dried paint off my glass one. I'll just put that back to bring out later when this is all done and over with. Dr. Qurashi said the neuropathy will effect hand writing and he isn't sure how it'll be with painting. I don't think it'll be an issue but, if it is, I'm sure there's a way around it. I'll just have to see when the time comes.
As for now, time for a healing nap and then I'll have to see where my energy level is for the afternoon's work.
Precious Lord,
Thank You so much for the progress I'm making every day fighting this horrible enemy that is trying to take every thing from me. I am so grateful that You have me in the palm of Your hand and that You are in control of my healing.
I ask Your grace and favor on all the other warriors out there fighting this same enemy today. Give us all victory in Jesus' precious name.
Amen
I met with Dr. Mahmood, my cancer surgeon, yesterday. Good checkup and he's very pleased with his handiwork. I don't have to go back for another month. Then I met today with Dr. Qurashi, the oncologist. My first chemo treatment is set for next Tuesday and then every two weeks for six months. We talked a little more about side effects. He said my hair may thin but I probably won't lose it with this chemo. I've got a cute picture of that trying to do a combover with a few strands of gray hair. The main side effect is going to be neuropathy or extreme sensitivity in the nerve endings of my fingers and feet. He said I will absolutely need to use something like oven mitts to reach into the refrigerator. Anything I touch or drink will have to be warmed. I already don't like to be cold so this should magnify that. Poor Chipper isn't too crazy about being warm so we may have to both go get our summer haircuts together. His to be cooler and mine not to have to look at thinning hair. Oh well, all worth it in the name of healing.
I slept better with the port last night. I even managed to sleep on my side for a while so that is probably going to be a non issue in a few more days. So glad about that. I am uncomfortable right now doing very much with my right hand and I stopped at the art supply store to pick up a disposable paper pallet so I don't have to work with cleaning dried paint off my glass one. I'll just put that back to bring out later when this is all done and over with. Dr. Qurashi said the neuropathy will effect hand writing and he isn't sure how it'll be with painting. I don't think it'll be an issue but, if it is, I'm sure there's a way around it. I'll just have to see when the time comes.
As for now, time for a healing nap and then I'll have to see where my energy level is for the afternoon's work.
Precious Lord,
Thank You so much for the progress I'm making every day fighting this horrible enemy that is trying to take every thing from me. I am so grateful that You have me in the palm of Your hand and that You are in control of my healing.
I ask Your grace and favor on all the other warriors out there fighting this same enemy today. Give us all victory in Jesus' precious name.
Amen
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Day 72 A Day Away is a Really Good Thing
I met my friend Darlene yesterday at Pappasito's for an early lunch. I had the soup with an incredible broth, filled with rice, celery, onions and carrots, chicken and lots of fresh avocado chopped on top. Mostly antiangiogenesis. The Modelo Especial on draft probably not so much but once in a while a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
After a long lunch we drove over to Memorial City Mall where neither of us had visited in years. We probably spent the better part of two hours just walking, talking, looking, and each of us ended up buying nothing but a tee. But so much fun and a great getaway from home, leaving everything behind. Darlene and I have been best friends for over 40 years and even though we know everything about each other, we never run out of things to talk about.
Back home for a really long healing nap. Not sure what I'll call those wonderful naps once cancer is out of the picture. I'll have to think up another excuse. Well, maybe I won't need them. Yay! Looking forward to that day. Also looking forward to when this port comes O-U-T. I know it's there for a reason but what an annoyance. Aside from looking like it was installed with a can opener, it itches, it pulls, and just downright hurts when I do much of anything with my right hand. I'm sure once it's healed up a little better I'll forget it's even there but for now I'm not very happy with it.
I only got in one day of painting last week before the port. Now, I'm wondering about painting with my right hand. If you know my art, you know I paint big strokes with big brushes. That is not gonna work right now. So, I was thinking about my friend, Jack White. Jack and his wife, Mikki Senkarik, are both amazing artists and have helped me many times along the way in my career. Years ago Jack's right shoulder was injured in an auto accident and really limited what he could do with his right hand. Jack simply began to paint in a different style with his left hand and signed the paintings Gaucher which, I think, more or less means "lefty". Hmmmm, wonder what I can do with my left hand? I have some smaller canvases to practice on. So, for the next week, inbetween dr visits, I think I'll work on that. How fun. Now I'm getting excited about it.
Today, back to Dr. Mahmood for a followup on the big surgery. Tomorrow Dr. Q to let him check the port for chemo and set a time to get started on that. Then Tuesday to Dr. Oppermann, who installed the port, to let him take a look at his handiwork and probably have my first chemo treatment. So, things are moving right along. I feel good. God is good and He is in control. It's going to be a great and glorious day and I'm grateful.
Precious Lord,
Thank You for this beautiful day. Thank You for the many many healing prayers being lifted up for me. I send those same prayers up for others fighting this enemy.
Guide each of us, Father, in doing what we can to give our bodies the best chance for a complete healing. Help us to help our doctors and caregivers by staying as healthy as possible through this process.
Lord, I love You so much and I am so grateful for everything You do for me every minute of every day. It is all You, Lord. All You. You are more than enough.
Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
After a long lunch we drove over to Memorial City Mall where neither of us had visited in years. We probably spent the better part of two hours just walking, talking, looking, and each of us ended up buying nothing but a tee. But so much fun and a great getaway from home, leaving everything behind. Darlene and I have been best friends for over 40 years and even though we know everything about each other, we never run out of things to talk about.
Back home for a really long healing nap. Not sure what I'll call those wonderful naps once cancer is out of the picture. I'll have to think up another excuse. Well, maybe I won't need them. Yay! Looking forward to that day. Also looking forward to when this port comes O-U-T. I know it's there for a reason but what an annoyance. Aside from looking like it was installed with a can opener, it itches, it pulls, and just downright hurts when I do much of anything with my right hand. I'm sure once it's healed up a little better I'll forget it's even there but for now I'm not very happy with it.
I only got in one day of painting last week before the port. Now, I'm wondering about painting with my right hand. If you know my art, you know I paint big strokes with big brushes. That is not gonna work right now. So, I was thinking about my friend, Jack White. Jack and his wife, Mikki Senkarik, are both amazing artists and have helped me many times along the way in my career. Years ago Jack's right shoulder was injured in an auto accident and really limited what he could do with his right hand. Jack simply began to paint in a different style with his left hand and signed the paintings Gaucher which, I think, more or less means "lefty". Hmmmm, wonder what I can do with my left hand? I have some smaller canvases to practice on. So, for the next week, inbetween dr visits, I think I'll work on that. How fun. Now I'm getting excited about it.
Today, back to Dr. Mahmood for a followup on the big surgery. Tomorrow Dr. Q to let him check the port for chemo and set a time to get started on that. Then Tuesday to Dr. Oppermann, who installed the port, to let him take a look at his handiwork and probably have my first chemo treatment. So, things are moving right along. I feel good. God is good and He is in control. It's going to be a great and glorious day and I'm grateful.
Precious Lord,
Thank You for this beautiful day. Thank You for the many many healing prayers being lifted up for me. I send those same prayers up for others fighting this enemy.
Guide each of us, Father, in doing what we can to give our bodies the best chance for a complete healing. Help us to help our doctors and caregivers by staying as healthy as possible through this process.
Lord, I love You so much and I am so grateful for everything You do for me every minute of every day. It is all You, Lord. All You. You are more than enough.
Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Day 70 Ow, Ow, Ow, and Double Ow.........
If I sounded upbeat yesterday after having the port put in, it's because I was still under the influence of the pain meds they gave me at the hospital. That stuff has worn off and, let me tell you, this thing hurts. It hurts above the port and below the port. It hurts under my arm and down the back of my arm. I'm trying to make do with tylenol but may have to pull out the big guns they gave me after the big surgery. Of course, it's on my right side and I'm right handed. Great. Even had to brush my teeth with my left hand this morning. I'm sure this won't last long but for right now, it's pretty darned uncomfortable.
On top of this, I have just experienced a shining example of why it is so important to rest through this process and to stay calm, quiet and in the stillness of communication with God. About three days ago, I began to have some lower back pain. At first I attributed it to having spent too much time on my soft couch. A day later, the pain went from my lower back to my left hip joint and then down my leg to my knee and even down the side of my calf. By Sunday night, it was miserable. I couldn't take anything for the pain because I was scheduled for the port procedure early on Monday, yesterday. The pain was worse when I tried to lay down. I spent most of Sunday night up walking or sitting at my desk with my head on a pillow. Bad night.
You can probably imagine what was going through my mind. First, I thought I had slept wrong. Next I began to think it was osteoporosis. Then I began to wonder if I needed a hip replacement and how was I going to deal with all of that and chemo at the same time. Lastly, when I could no longer keep it from my mind, I started to think maybe cancer had spread to my spine and was causing all the other pain. Goodness. What a fertile brain I have.
Then yesterday, after the procedure, the pain was gone. I'm sure some of it was because of pain meds administered at the hospital, but I have begun to think that maybe it was just plain old stress causing muscle spasms in my lower back. I know.....I shouldn't self diagnose but what a relief it is to be able to walk, sit and lay down in bed without that pain. Now I just have to concentrate on getting through the next couple of days with the discomfort of this port. The other thing I need to concentrate on is working more quiet time, prayer and meditation, into my day. That has to be an absolute. If I have to schedule it like an appointment, then that's what I'm going to do. I need it and I know it'll make a huge difference.
Father God,
You said to go into a closet, a secret place, so that we could meet with You. Please forgive me for having let all the confusion and activity with what's going on in my life take precedence over that. Help me to find You today in that place so that I can access Your peace and love, Your healing power, and know more than ever that You are here with me through every step of this journey.
Father, I ask this same quiet communication with You for everyone out there dealing with the same journey that I am traveling right now. Help us to better know and understand You through knowing and understanding ourselves.
Love us, bless us, heal us.
In Jesus' precious name,
Amen
On top of this, I have just experienced a shining example of why it is so important to rest through this process and to stay calm, quiet and in the stillness of communication with God. About three days ago, I began to have some lower back pain. At first I attributed it to having spent too much time on my soft couch. A day later, the pain went from my lower back to my left hip joint and then down my leg to my knee and even down the side of my calf. By Sunday night, it was miserable. I couldn't take anything for the pain because I was scheduled for the port procedure early on Monday, yesterday. The pain was worse when I tried to lay down. I spent most of Sunday night up walking or sitting at my desk with my head on a pillow. Bad night.
You can probably imagine what was going through my mind. First, I thought I had slept wrong. Next I began to think it was osteoporosis. Then I began to wonder if I needed a hip replacement and how was I going to deal with all of that and chemo at the same time. Lastly, when I could no longer keep it from my mind, I started to think maybe cancer had spread to my spine and was causing all the other pain. Goodness. What a fertile brain I have.
Then yesterday, after the procedure, the pain was gone. I'm sure some of it was because of pain meds administered at the hospital, but I have begun to think that maybe it was just plain old stress causing muscle spasms in my lower back. I know.....I shouldn't self diagnose but what a relief it is to be able to walk, sit and lay down in bed without that pain. Now I just have to concentrate on getting through the next couple of days with the discomfort of this port. The other thing I need to concentrate on is working more quiet time, prayer and meditation, into my day. That has to be an absolute. If I have to schedule it like an appointment, then that's what I'm going to do. I need it and I know it'll make a huge difference.
Father God,
You said to go into a closet, a secret place, so that we could meet with You. Please forgive me for having let all the confusion and activity with what's going on in my life take precedence over that. Help me to find You today in that place so that I can access Your peace and love, Your healing power, and know more than ever that You are here with me through every step of this journey.
Father, I ask this same quiet communication with You for everyone out there dealing with the same journey that I am traveling right now. Help us to better know and understand You through knowing and understanding ourselves.
Love us, bless us, heal us.
In Jesus' precious name,
Amen
Monday, July 2, 2012
Day 69 Port is in and I'm ready to go!
Let me say first that I had an awesome weekend. Felt good Saturday and actually got in a few hours of painting. I've been trying to do that for weeks and finally made it into the studio. On Sunday, watched some wonderful Christian TV and then cooked for my two main caregivers, Darlene and Tineke. We had a really great time. I love to cook and it was just a small thank you for all they've done for me already through this journey.
Darlene spent the night and up at 5am to get to the hospital by 6am for the procedure. As usual, the first sign of drugs and I was out like a light. I'm not sure they even have to put them into my iv. Just walk my direction with a needle in their hand and I'm almost out. Woke up pain free, yippee!!! Well, this latest thing is as unattractive as can be. First they went in at my neck. I now have a giant vein sticking out of my neck. Then under the clavicle, a 3" incision and a quarter sized lump below that. Oh well, it's all in the name of healing. No big deal. Some pretty scarves to tie around the neck and I'll be good to go.
I'm ready for the chemo and ready to poison those hated cancer cells.
Okay, you would think at my age that I'm not very naive. I don't think I'm in denial but am still amazed at how I just assume things about this condition. I thought the cancer was Stage I. Turned out it was Stage III. I know that one of the 25 nodes taken during surgery tested positive, yet one word I never associated with my journey is "metastasized." I don't think I've ever even spoken that word out loud. Then reading over one of the chemos I'll be receiving, I read that it is specifically for colon cancer that has metastasized. Yikes! That means me! Just because it isn't in any organs, I didn't feel like it had spread. Well yes, it has spread. Only to the lymph nodes, praise God, but it has spread to locations outside the colon. Sigh............ This may be a tougher journey that I anticipated.
But that's okay. At this point I sort of feel like a patchwork quilt, but I'm God's patchwork quilt and I know that healing is in God's plan for me. He is taking me on such an incredible journey and all I need to do is keep the faith, do my part and He'll do His part.
Precious Lord,
Thank You for my family, my friends, my art family, my church family, and the people I don't even know that bless me with their prayers and loving thoughts every day. I am so grateful.
Thank You, Father, for this new direction You've given me whereby I can serve you by doing more for Your children than I would ever have done otherwise.
Father, I ask your blessings on each and every person on the same journey that I am on. Give them a purpose and direction that will help them handle their journey in such a positive way that they totally destroy that enemy that is working to destroy them. Comfort and heal them.
These things I pray in Jesus' name.
Amen
Darlene spent the night and up at 5am to get to the hospital by 6am for the procedure. As usual, the first sign of drugs and I was out like a light. I'm not sure they even have to put them into my iv. Just walk my direction with a needle in their hand and I'm almost out. Woke up pain free, yippee!!! Well, this latest thing is as unattractive as can be. First they went in at my neck. I now have a giant vein sticking out of my neck. Then under the clavicle, a 3" incision and a quarter sized lump below that. Oh well, it's all in the name of healing. No big deal. Some pretty scarves to tie around the neck and I'll be good to go.
I'm ready for the chemo and ready to poison those hated cancer cells.
Okay, you would think at my age that I'm not very naive. I don't think I'm in denial but am still amazed at how I just assume things about this condition. I thought the cancer was Stage I. Turned out it was Stage III. I know that one of the 25 nodes taken during surgery tested positive, yet one word I never associated with my journey is "metastasized." I don't think I've ever even spoken that word out loud. Then reading over one of the chemos I'll be receiving, I read that it is specifically for colon cancer that has metastasized. Yikes! That means me! Just because it isn't in any organs, I didn't feel like it had spread. Well yes, it has spread. Only to the lymph nodes, praise God, but it has spread to locations outside the colon. Sigh............ This may be a tougher journey that I anticipated.
But that's okay. At this point I sort of feel like a patchwork quilt, but I'm God's patchwork quilt and I know that healing is in God's plan for me. He is taking me on such an incredible journey and all I need to do is keep the faith, do my part and He'll do His part.
Precious Lord,
Thank You for my family, my friends, my art family, my church family, and the people I don't even know that bless me with their prayers and loving thoughts every day. I am so grateful.
Thank You, Father, for this new direction You've given me whereby I can serve you by doing more for Your children than I would ever have done otherwise.
Father, I ask your blessings on each and every person on the same journey that I am on. Give them a purpose and direction that will help them handle their journey in such a positive way that they totally destroy that enemy that is working to destroy them. Comfort and heal them.
These things I pray in Jesus' name.
Amen
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