It seems like forever since I've written. Monday I went for bloodwork and then a call Monday evening regarding one of the drugs for my chemo cocktail. It's a fairly new and very agressive drug. Each dose of which I'll be taking one every two weeks costs about $4,000 per. Yes, you read it right. $4,000. My copay for that drug is 20%. Hahahahaha............ So, we started on Tuesday with two of the three drugs and only the two is an acceptable treatment according to my research on the web. So we started with just the two. But I want the third so that's yet to be worked out.
Let me tell you, when those chemicals went in, it felt like fumes rose from my chest and out my mouth and nose. But it only lasted for a few seconds. My dr laces the doses with lots of additional meds to stave off side effects. After the drip, a pump was attached to the port and filled with more chemo. I wore it home and then back on Wednesday for another 1 1/2 hour drip but different meds this time with different immediate effects that quickly dissipate. Refill the pump and back home. Back this morning to have the pump off and I feel free.
Side effects...........hardly any. My church family prayed on Sunday that I have no side effects and that prayer was honored. I took a little med for nausea twice yesterday strictly as precaution. My taste is weird and I want no morning coffee. I don't even want to smell coffee. Yesterday, I craved bread and butter and coca cola. Half a slice of bread with some sweet creamy butter smeared over it and a few sips of coke and I was a happy girl. This morning I wanted a cinnamon roll. I can't remember the last time I ate a cinnamon roll. I had to get up and go get one and ate the whole thing and then it sat like a rock in the bottom of my stomach. I know........those are not good foods for me but I guess at this point it's better than not eating at all. Dr says not to lose weight, eat regularly and take lots of vitamins. First time in my life I've had a concern about losing weight.
Back to the dilemma of the copay. I've applied for three grants for copay assistant. I have a cancer policy that will hopefully cover that fee but they want to pay in arrears so I imagine I'll be on the phone with them all day tomorrow. They squeaky wheel gets greased and I intend to do lots of squeaking.
I have noticed something about having a diagnosis of cancer and it may be the same with any other life threatening diagnosis, although I don't know for sure. What I have found is that I live in the present moment more than I ever have. It's not about looking back at woulda, shoulda, coulda and it's not about looking forward to what might be, good or bad. It is just about what is going on right now, whether it's brushing Chipper or thanking God every time I hear the pump send more chemicals in to kill those darned cells, or trying to figure out exactly what my taste will accept to eat, or blessing the other patients in the room with me undergoing the same treatments, some of them in such delicate states and some strong and hearty. It's about loving this rain, snuggling down for another healing nap and getting back into the studio now that the pump is off and I feel so good.
Taking that pump off is sort of like training a trotting horse. The trainers weigh down their front hoofs so that when they take the weights off, their front legs lift up so magically when they trot. The pump was weighing me down like that and now that it's off, I feel lighter and more energetic. Ooohhh, that's exciting. Twelve days of freedom and then back for another round. I'll be ready.
Heavenly Father,
Thank You so much for this gorgeous gray rainy day. I love the sound and the smell of the rain and I'm so grateful to be here to enjoy it. I thank You for the medical researchers that you guided to solutions for defeating this enemy.
I am asking special blessings for all of the other patients at my clinic that are undergoing treatment with me. Let the treatment be beyond success as Your healing spirit moves mightily among us maximizing the effectiveness of the treatments. Guide the hand of the oncologist to make the right decision of each one of us.
Father, I thank You for everything you do for me every day. It's truly all about You, Father. It's all about You.
In the name of Jesus Christ, the name above all names.
Amen
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