Day 56 It's really really real..........

I feel really well today, praise God, and it's a good thing because yesterday was the pits. 
My first meeting with the oncologist and I have to tell you, when I walked up to the door of the clinic with the word "Oncology" etched in the glass in huge letters, I got a little weak.  If I had not known that Melanie was almost right behind me, I probably would have started crying right then.   It seemed like for the first time it hit me that this thing is really really really real.  I have cancer.  The surgery didn't take it all away.  There are cancer cells in my body right now, wanting to destroy all that is healthy.  I hate it!

I know,  it seems I've taken it all in stride, being strong and brave.  And for the most part I have. I concentrated on studying what I could do to help my body deal with this enemy, dealt with the surgery and the ups and downs of that.  In the back of my mind I knew that chemo was probably going to be involved but walking through those doors yesterday was another experience entirely.  I just wanted to say, "Mommy, come take me home." 
Lord, please forgive me for being such a wimp.

So, here's the deal.  The cancer is at Stage III.  Ha, silly me.  I thought probably Stage I.   The oncologist again commented how fortunate it is that Dr. Mahmood took 25 samples instead of standard 10 or 12.  Otherwise, I might have been home thinking everything was fine when it wasn't. 
That was all You Lord.  I praise and honor You.
He said optimum time to start chemo is 5 weeks after surgery so now it's all about timing.  Port.  Two days of chemo, twice a month for six months and that's all.  Then a watch and wait for years.  Actually for the rest of my life.  He said with colon cancer, if it comes back, it usually comes back everywhere so that means I have to be diligent with alkaline and antiangiogenesis diet.  I can do that.   Lots of side effects to deal with - sensitivity to light and cold, neuropathy, diarrhea.  Diarrhea?!  Oh no!  I've had enough experience with that since surgery.  

Here's the upside part of the day.  Went for my visit to the cardiologist who had okayed me for surgery.  He ran every test possible on me from ultrasound, stress test, doppler carotid, etc.  Good news is my heart is in great shape and my cholesterol is only 88!  How awesome is that?! 

In spite of the good news, I came home depressed and weepy.  Poor Tineke called and I just boohoo'd over the phone to her.  She is like my fairy godmother and immediately wanted to move me into her home to take care of me.  God has blessed me with such incredible friends, I can't even begin to describe what they mean to me.  Then I checked emails before going to bed.

"You may have saved my life,"  Friend Gracie decided to go ahead and have colo/endo 6 months early after finding me on the internet and following this blog.  Turns out that her stomach lining is in such bad shape the doctor said if she had waited  much longer, one of the ulcers might have perforated the stomach and the "outcome could have been pretty grim."  She ended her email with
"I am so grateful He led me to your blog."   Oh my gosh, I can't even begin to tell you how much that means to me.  I have praised God for this journey before even though I wasn't giving much praise yesterday.  But how awesome that He can guide me through this to help others.   It's like this is my purpose and how long it took me to get here really doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I am here and He is using me for His purposes and it feels really good.

Friend Griffa's precious little book spoke to me again this morning.  If you will follow some sort of daily meditation, you will be amazed at how timely the words become and how God will give you the right words just when you need them most.  This is going to be my new favorite verse.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" Isaiah 30:21

Precious Father,
Thank You for sending me these words of confirmation this morning.  I am so blessed and so grateful.  It's all You Lord, all You.  I simply could not do this without You and I don't know how others travel this road without You.  My prayer this morning is for those fighting this battle who don't know how much You love them and don't know that You are on their side.  Put someone in their path today, Lord, who can share Your word, Your love, and Your hope with them, giving them the strength to fight this evil enemy that wants only to destroy. 
I love You, Father and I am asking these things in the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen