Day 35 Defeating The "Don't Wannas"

I started to write yesterday and then had a big case of "don't wannas".  I hate when that happens.  I guess part of it was a letdown after Mel's wedding.  So much fun leading up to it and then the day and it was here and gone so quickly.  I was tired yesterday and I know that's dangerous.  Tired beats down your resolve and your bravery and wants to take you back to where you know you can't go again.

Yes, I wanted to jump in the car and drive thru Whataburger or Burger King instead of cooking what I needed to eat.  Or maybe KFC for some crispy fried or Schultz's for some barbequed sausage.   And I really really wanted a giant fountain diet DP with lots of crushed ice.  Well, I didn't.  I had my smoothie, juiced, cooked spinach and some beautiful speckled butter beans and roasted beets, potatoes, onions, carrots and mushrooms.  I should have photo'd the beans for you.  The colors are awesome.  I'm so silly sometimes.  I see a palette for a painting in everything.  The beans were a mix of light caramel, rich brown and soft sage greens.  Perfect for a tonalist landscape. 

Tuesday I register at Methodist for the surgery.  I'm starting to feel nervous about it and I don't like that.  I want to be calm and confident and assured of the right outcome for everything.  But I guess I'm realizing that on some level I'm not.  There's a scared little girl inside of me wanting to turn and run away from all of this.  Thank You Father that this is coming on Sunday.  I need to be in Your house today and with Your family today.  I know that You will send the right word to comfort and assure me of Your loving presence throughout this journey. 

I did actually get started on pre-surgery cleaning yesterday.  Ugh.  Scrubbed down cabinets, cleaned window sills, stove, fridge, vacuumed, mopped, dusted and polished.  I took my time and it took most of yesterday -  all that in my little kitchen, dining and living areas.  Next is my bedroom and then both bathrooms.   Then I'll just vacuum Chipper's hair for upkeep.  My boy with his beautiful gold and white coat sheds so much but that's okay.  He's truly my very best friend,  He doesn't care if I brush my teeth or make my bed or dust the furniture.  He just wants to be next to me regardless of where I am. 

Heavenly Father, please forgive me for being weak and scared and forgetting that I am in the palm of Your hand and that I can face with strength and assurance anything that comes against me.  Grant that same strength and assurance to everyone facing down this enemy so that it is defeated forever. 
You have given us the power to stamp on snakes and scorpions and authority over the enemy and we stand again on that promise today as we take authority over cancer, defeating it so profoundly that it is gone, never to return.
In Jesus' name.
Amen